Feeling Defeated - the most vulnerable post I've written (generally not my style ..)

I can't lie, I haven't felt myself since the shoot a week and a half a go. I left that place feeling like a million bucks! I went for sushi, treated myself with chocolate, took Saturday, Monday and Tuesday off of the gym, was on top of blogging all week, and have since felt like garbage. Absolute garbage. As I type this, I feel like a selfish, ungrateful bitch (excuse the language) as I know I've got it so good. So so good. What do I seriously have to feel so low about? Hmm?

But still, last week was the lowest emotional week, ever! I'm sure it was caused (using past tense cause I'm currently in a much better place) by a number of pathetic minor things, but it was so bad that I sat at my computer on Tuesday and had tear-filled eyes. I couldn't shake it. I actually felt like a failure and quite defeated in every aspect of my life.

I'm sure this is coming off as some sort of diary-type post but I just wanted to write how I was feeling since I generally blog with happy days and leave my posts with all smiles. I don't always smile. I definitely have my days. Cough cough -drama-mama- cough cough..

I'm not really sure what was going on last week but I was so up and down until Saturday morning. Two Fridays a go, I woke up in a new house, with a day off, energized and feeling like I had everything. I told myself "got the car, the good job, a blog I love, a deadly family, amazing friends, a new home" .. and yet I lay there staring at the ceiling telling myself "there has to be more!!  What am I missing. Why do I have such a void?".  I'm not kidding .. I wake up so many mornings and ask myself out LOUD "WHAT ELSE IS THERE?" Like seriously, guys!? Don't you ever wonder? Isn't there more than just waking, eating, working, eating, working, exercising, eating, sleeping .. repeat. Jesus. It feels like a waste of life! I know, it's good to make money and save money and live a healthy and happy life, but it's the memories. The memories I sometimes feel I lack.

Ok, so I'm gonna call it a relationship. A relationship that failed. Or it didn't work. However you wanna put it.  I've put so much time in blaming the other person that I blurred my own doings. My own faults. My insensitivity towards another. I think this was playing a huge role in my mood last week. My lack of smiles.

I started a new position. I don't like it what I'm doing. I probably don't like it because I'm no good at it yet. I know I'll catch on soon and I know I'll excel and do great things but for now, I'd sooner lay in bed and never step foot on Long Harbour territory again.

The guy at work. The guy at work that talks to me like I'm some moron. Like if asked, I'd say that 2+2 = 5! Jesus, I'm gonna lose it at that guy. I think he knows it .. and I think he knows that he's slowly chiseling away at my barrier of calmness .. let's see what this week brings shall we?

My weight gain. Ok, so I haven't weighed since the morning of the shoot (173.8) and honestly, I'm scared shitless to. I hid the scale and I put it high enough that I would literally have to get on a chair to reach it. I'm so nervous. I'm pretty sure I asked Rob if he noticed that I might have gained 10-lbs.. like seriously .. as I type it, I realize how ridiculous it sounds. yet I can't help but wonder and yet I'm too nervous to confirm.

When it comes down to it, it's the fact that I need a goal. I need a goal to keep myself grounded. Honestly, I shouldn't need anything to keep myself grounded. I should be able to relax and not have to work towards anything. I want to be able to not work towards anything. I need time without something. . . and again, as I type that, I feel a shower of guilt. Like I should google half marathons, sign up for a new class, set a goal that will force me to take myself more seriously. Sick, right? Ugh.

Moving on to a positive note, the only way to start feeling like myself again is to make changes. I've felt really good the past few days and I'm really hoping that I stay on this high.

What do I plan on doing to ensure I get back on track?

• meal planning more
• SLEEPING more. My god, sleep more
• eating every 2.5-3 hours again
• stopping treating myself frequently 
• take another break from alcohol until Christmas festivities begin (and I type this as I sip on white wine)
• stop obsessing about weight and decide if I should weigh just this once or not (to keep grounded)
• keep working out 4-5 times per week, yet stop beating myself up if I'm too tired, or simply can't fit a workout in
• start taking my vitamins more regularly 
• stop making lists and not completing the tasks at hand
• drink more water (like before). 3-5L a day
• drink less coffee (bad teeth and constant ups and downs)
• start jogging/running more - as everytime I take time off of my little jogs, I get irritable and unhappy 
• take my blog more seriously as it's my one escape from everything

• switch up my workouts and actually follow through (swimming this week had me on top of the world)
• get back to arriving to work with a positive outlook
• start practising yoga more. My god, yoga 100% alleviates any minor stress that I blow out of proportion 
• start setting a half hour aside each night to read. I always feel guilty when I skip days of reading. I've got like 4 books just staring at me and I think it's time to make reading a priority (I honestly only started reading in the last year)

So, from here on out, things are gonna be different. Things are gonna be better. And positive. And I'm gonna look toward to each and every productive day in my future. I'm gonna stop sweating the small things and start focusing on the positive.

Happy Monday, blogaroos!!

Hope the 'boo-woo-I-have-it-so-hard-post' wasn't too annoyingly painful to get through ;)